i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
