What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
just found out that she named her cat after me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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