My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
