Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
