Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
