Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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