I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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