he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
