1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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