I'm going to jail i love you
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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