I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
