THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
