I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
