I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
