what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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