if only i could text you this smell
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
