eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
