the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
