She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize