just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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