Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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