I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
