the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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