That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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