Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
