How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
