I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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