Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
