it was like his penis was on wheels.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
