everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
