the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
