remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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