He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize