I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
