He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
