Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
