Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize