There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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