she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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