if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
