It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
