I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This can only be settled by a dance off.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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