soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
