Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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