maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
