The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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