I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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