Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
