mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
