the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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