I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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