I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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