Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
