You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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