Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
