he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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