Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
