Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
A bitchslap is in order.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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