You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Less talking, more tequila
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
