oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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