i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize