just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
