The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
