Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
