some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
